the thing about assholes is that they are fearful little wusses, who are afraid of the truth and anything to do with it. they hide behind a little wall of what they call “aloofness” and play it off as “cool” or “mysterious.” but what they don’t know is that the moment they think they’re making of a fool of the other, they are really the fool themselves. let’s have a little toast to all of the assholes i have had the honor of meeting! i can describe the beautiful treasures they keep hidden inside.
like this kid i met, for instance. cool gaze behind serpentine eyes. why is evil such a turn-on? so then the dark voice really got me, like trembling velvet. oh he fooled me from the get-go. basically he had me wrapped around his finger, and i went along with it, thinking that because we live in an age where we don’t need to put on labels, and that those type of things don’t even cover the magnitude of emotions, i felt like a woman experiencing things in a mature way. but maturity ended on my side, unfortunately. as i was told, he was not “mature enough” to tell me that we didn’t really “bare our souls” or “truly reach the deepest harmony.” fair enough. but then to bullshit her and tell her your fears of being “vulnerable” to someone when the next thing you do is metaphorically pulling down your underwear in front of the whole school lawn with a big fat grin on your face, wiping your eyes along with the sweat from your face, which looks like a sweaty orange in the sun, ready for someone to “take me away!” and the hot air balloon swipes you along. that is, what you metaphorically did with someone else while you told me you were too afraid to do such a thing. but hey, they come they go. this idiot would teach me my biggest lesson of all!
let’s see, what other little story has life brought me? ahhh, yes. the other kid. (they’re all kids, really. nothing more, nothing less.) so let’s say that after three or four months of seeing this kid stare at me, i decided to go up to him asking for a dance. out went the flirty response, and i thought huh, interesting. so, a week or so went by, seeing the guy everywhere. i sometimes got to thinking towards the end about vibes and how or why we feel them. we see someone and every time we see them that tingly little feeling comes up again. ooh, we feel, i am jittery! but, like Radiohead always says, again and again in my mind, “just because you feel it doesn’t mean it’s there.” so maybe that was the case all along. well, let’s say, after a series of moments that i’d consider a little beyond what one does when it’s “purely platonic,” i find out the kid has a girlfriend! ah, lovely! the guy has a girlfriend! “no wonder! it makes so much sense!” i kept repeating! ah! the mystery unsolved! but another part of my mind went, “poor girlfriend,” and then the attraction stopped! now i see it for what it is. how ridiculous! it’s just laughable.
but these kids, they just get so into character that they lose who they really are. because after lying to other people, you start to lie to yourself really. who are you from believing your own lies? your conscience is just as unknown to you as are those of others, and when you become a character in their world, you’ve become one in yours.
i just, i guess that’s my obsession. why people do the things they do? or, better, how? what causes that decision to go through in their heads in the first place? the thing about assholes is that, their conscience, just like mine, is unknown to me. the reason i can’t figure them out is because i’m just an outsider looking into the empty mine they’ve built for themselves.
